Jun 03 2009
Aggressive, assertive, passive or a victim?
I recently ran an Assertiveness Skills workshop for a group of University staff. It was an interesting mixture of managers and admin support staff who actually got on very well together.
We soon established that while many people in the group habitually adopted more passive forms of behaviour, some more frequently veered towards aggressive behaviour or “being direct” as they preferred to call it. And it can be a very fine line, one person’s simple and straightforward can feel like bullying to someone else, particularly if the second person lacks self-confidence or any sense of their own power.
Sure, there can be a sort of “formula” to assertive communication – demonstrating that you have heard and understood what the other person is saying, being clear to express what you feel, explaining what you would like to happen – but any verbal formula is left empty and powerless if the speaker, with their tone of voice and body language screams loudly “I’m a push-over!”.
As we went through the workshop – and it was an exhilarating ride through many diverse areas of discussion – self-determination, personal choice, social responsibility and worthiness – we came to understand that feeling and acting like a victim really limited our options.
I am so familiar with the idea that our own state of mind and expectation creates our experience of reality and it was a privilege to see this group of people realise the practical meaning of “The more you do of what you’re doing, the more you get of what you’ve got”.
I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said “No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” and these people, male and female, young and not so young, realised just how much they had been consenting to the way they had been put into powerless pigeon-holes.
It turned out that, while we did work through several strategies to develop assertive communication skills, the deeper work was in developing a greater level of self-esteem and escape from the mindset of victimhood.
I know they now need to take their new-found confidence back into the workplace but they have made a start…
It’s on days like this that I’m really proud of my delegates!
